


Home is where the heart is

by keepcalmanddonotblink



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coma, Feels, Fluff, M/M, coda to 11x01, confession of love, kind of, post s10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-15
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-26 13:21:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5006335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepcalmanddonotblink/pseuds/keepcalmanddonotblink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean finally found Cas. Or did he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home is where the heart is

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ViviTargaryen](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=ViviTargaryen).



> Thanks to my lovely beta [MashiarasDream](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MashiarasDream/pseuds/MashiarasDream). I don't know what I'd do without you. <3

“Cas…,” his voice sounds small and lost even to himself, but Dean can’t help it. It’s not that anyone can _actually_ hear him and if he is honest with himself he _is_ afraid. After all that has happened, after all there is. But as before Cas doesn’t move at all. 

The last few weeks feel like ages, so many things have changed.  
The mark is gone now, but the price they paid is high. The worst part about that is, that it was his doing and _their_ fault. He had been ready. So he had thought. But then he missed his chance of making the right choice. Couldn’t do what he should have done. Killing Sam. How ironic. Wasn’t that what John once told him? That he had to do it if the worst comes to pass. And even back then he had known that he will never be able to do it. He just couldn’t let go. Never could let go. Now he has to.

“Cas, wake up. _Please_ ”, he pleads for the hundredth time and doesn’t know what else he can do. He has no idea how angels heal or if there is even much of his grace left in Cas.  
Cas had been bloody, tied up and almost dead when he found him. And for one small moment Dean had thought that he was dead, that he had come too late this time. That he had lost him. Dean shivers at the memory, he still can feel it in his bones, the feeling of loss and hurt that overwhelmed him those few seconds before he saw Cas breathing, felt his pulse and knew that he was alive. That he was still with him. Cas was safe. Everybody was okay. 

That was before he knew that _it_ got to Sammy.  
That was before he figured out that Cas wasn’t waking _up_.

And hell, Dean had tried. Everything he knew and beyond. He searched in every book but he couldn’t find anything about angels in a coma. Or anything about the darkness or the sickness it’s spreading.  
The darkness roaming the Earth, Sam infected, Cas asleep. Dean doesn’t know anymore what else he can do wrong. What else he can lose. He knows that he can’t lose Cas.

“It’s me, isn’t it?” he asks into the room, sitting by the bed, but as always there is no visible reaction from Cas. “I fucked everything up, Cas. I _know_. It is my fault, this chaos and madness. And I know I had this _conversation_ with you before. When you told me that I can’t save _everyone_. But I need to save _you_. And I don’t know what else I can do. I am losing everything, Cas. _Again_.” 

Dean had known that he couldn’t expect forgiveness, not after what he has done to Cas, after he had beaten and almost killed him, after he had left him behind and still Cas had forgiven him in a blink of an eye. In one sentence, just asking him if the mark is gone, caring too much about him. Dean doesn’t deserve this.

Dean should have told him _everything_ when he had time for it. When Cas was with him. But there was always something else in the world. Always something else that seemed important. And deep inside, Dean knows that these are all poor excuses. The truth is that Dean was terrified of these feelings, afraid of what could be, what would change, and if Cas is feeling even the same.

Now it all seems meaningless. Even idiotic.  
All these times he had told himself that ‘He is an angel, angels don’t feel this way’. He had known that Cas was different, that Cas always was different, that he had always felt.  
All these times he had told himself that this would just complicate things, that it was easier that way, he had known that he was just lying to himself.  
All these times he had told himself that he can’t ask Cas to decide between Heaven and Earth - him, he had known that Cas always had and always will choose him.

Dean takes a deep breath, fighting the tears that want to force their way out, but Dean can’t allow himself to be weak, not now. He is afraid that if he starts letting the tears flow that they might never stop: “Sammy is almost gone, the world has turned into a nightmare, and there is no hope. I can’t do this without you. I need _you_ , man. I _need_ you back.” 

But Cas is still breathing in and out, still just lying here unconscious. Dean would pray if he knew to whom he could pray. But there is no one else but Cas he wants to pray to. Not that he hadn’t tried that too. “Cas…”, Dean starts again, but he is at a loss for words. Instead, he takes Cas’ hand in his hands, holds onto it as if he is holding onto his own life. Cas’ hand is warm, alive. Cas is still alive. This thought is somehow soothing, giving Dean some peace. Cas isn’t gone yet, there is still a chance. There is still some hope. Dean needs to have this bit of faith otherwise he doesn’t know how he should keep going. 

“I can’t lose you, Cas. I can’t..,” Dean’s voice breaks as he can’t hold back the tears anymore. “Dammit, Cas,” he whispers as he raises Cas’ hand to his lips. Dean closes his eyes and he can taste his own tears as his lips touch Cas’ hand, can feel the softness of his skin, hears the beating of his own heart in his ears. “Please…,” he begs for the hundredth time, and he knows that he will not stop until Cas is awake, until he is with him again, until he can tell him face to face what he feels, what he should have told him years ago.

“Cas…”, Dean starts, because maybe, just maybe Cas can hear him and maybe, just maybe this is better than nothing: “I… I never told you… I guess ‘I need you’ was always easier to say… I.. Cas, if you can hear me… I just want you to know… I _love_ you.” 

Dean waits with his eyes still closed, hopes to hear Cas waking up, hopes to hear his voice, hopes for a miracle. For something. But miracles happen in stupid movies and not in real life and for sure not in his life. At least not anymore. Cas’ breath is still even, in and out. 

Dean opens his eyes, looks at Cas. Dean wonders how often Cas has watched him sleep and for the first time he understands it. Cas looks peaceful, as if nothing could ever harm him. Dean will make sure of that. From now on, he swears, he will protect him from everything that might want to get to him. Even if that is maybe a little too late now.

Finally, Dean lies Cas hand back, lets go of it even when he misses the contact immediately. He wipes away his tears and slowly stands up. He is no use if he just sits here and hopes and waits. There are other problems, too. There is Sam, the darkness, his own bond with it and all the other evil son of bitches out there. Still, Dean has the urge to tell Cas everything. “I will be back, Cas. I have to take care of you after all. I just need to try to figure a few things out. Just give me a few hours. Please wait for me… if.. if you wake up..” 

He forces himself to turn around, to step away from Cas and his heart clenches. He doesn’t want to go, to leave Cas, but he needs to try to make what he was doing right. If he will ever be able to do that stands on an entirely different page. 

With two steps, he is at the door and as he reaches for the door handle he hears it.  
“Dean…”, it is almost not audible and for a second Dean thinks it’s wishful thinking. Still, he turns around and there he is, eyes open, looking at him, those wonderful blue eyes that always saw right through him, always saw _him_.

“Cas!”, his legs carry him to Cas without his own doing. Pure relief is flooding through his whole body. Without hesitation Dean takes Cas’ hand again. Cas follows his movements with his eyes. Dean can see how the confusion turns into a small smile. Damn, he looks so good, awake, alive, _here_. Here with Dean. 

“What happened?”, Cas asks as he slowly sits up. “Easy there, tiger,” Dean says as he helps him, still worried: “You were out for days. I…” Cas tilts his head, this beautiful small little gesture Dean fell in love with right away. Even though he hadn’t realized it back then. “Days?”, Cas asks, his voice still husky. “I lost track of time, but a week? Maybe more? I… I thought I’d lost you.” 

Cas lays one hand over Dean's and it's like electricity. “I am alright now, Dean. I am okay,” Cas says and he looks so worried over Dean that Dean can't help but smile and he repeats as if he can't really believe it for himself: “You are okay. You are okay. You are...” “Dean...”, Cas stops him: “You love me?” 

Dean is startled and every instinct in him tells him to run and hide. But he ignores it, because this isn't him, not any more. He is sick of running, sick of hiding who he is, what he feels. He lowers his head because he can't look Cas in the eyes: “You heard that, huh?... I... Yeah...” 

Maybe he will lose Cas anyway, maybe he was wrong about everything in the first place. Maybe what Cas did for him was nothing more than friendship. Maybe he just doomed himself. But right now he doesn't care. He brought the Darkness into the world and he needs to see some light right now, needs to hold on to the hope that somehow somewhere there is a future for them. 

“Yeah, Cas...”, Dean takes all his courage, all there is left inside him, takes his heart and lays it before Cas when he raises his head again and meets Cas eyes, waiting with so much warmth in them, so much affection that Dean is somehow sure when he says it again: “I love _you_.”

Cas smile grows even bigger: “I love you too, Dean.” Dean wants to laugh and cry at the same time but instead he leans forward so that there is almost no space left between them. “Say that again,” Dean whispers and Cas huffs: “I will say it as many times as you want, Dean. I love you. I always did, I always will.” “Always, huh?” Dean asks and his eyes flicker to Cas’ lips and he thinks that he really wants to kiss those lips now. “Of course,” Cas answers as if it is obvious, as if this doesn't mean the world, as if this isn't the best thing that happened to Dean for a long time. As if those two little meaningless words aren't more than he needs to surge forward, to kiss Cas like his life depended on it. And everything melts away when Cas kisses back. 

As if he had held his breath for far too long and he finally can breathe again.  
Like a cold long winter is gone and the first flowers blossom.  
As if he was colour blind and he finally sees the world in all variety and beauty.

It's hasty and messy, it's needy and for sure not perfect. But it is Cas. And that is all that matters right now. Cas. Safe. Here. With him.  
He found him.  
Dean has found Cas.


End file.
